假直男NY：如果你是GAY AVENUE Q

假直男網誌開張第一篇，當然是要邀請美國最夯的假直男來助陣啦！這是紐約現在最火熱的演出AVENUE Q，故事是一堆形形色色的怪咖住在一個社區裡，以下是最有名的片段，陽光男孩NICKY突然懷疑他的假直男室友ROD是GAY，所以就問ROD是不是GAY？ 原諒我還沒有強大到可以上字幕，但中文歌詞有為大家翻譯如下，超可愛的一齣戲和一首歌，讓我們跟紐約同步，一起GAY起來嚕~

IF YOU WERE GAY 如果你是GAY

（這個版本是澳洲演員，我覺得這個扮演ROD的演員特別傑出，C得好自然）

ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with 啊~有個下午自己讀我最喜歡的
My favorite book, "Broadway 一本書：1940年代的音樂劇
Musicals of the 1940s." 而且沒有室友煩我。
No roommate to bother me. 還有比這樣更好的事情嗎？
How could it get any better than this?

NICKY 蠢蛋直男室友的NICKY登場
Oh,hi Rod! 喔，HI，ROD。

ROD
Hi Nicky. HI，NICKY

NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never ㄟ，ROD，
Guess what happened to 你猜今天發生了什麼事情？
Me on the subway this morning. 今天我在地鐵，
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me 遇到一個人跟我講話還對我微笑


ROD
That's very interesting. （酸）恩，真有趣 （-.-）

NICKY
He was being real friendly, 他真的很FRIENDLY，
And I think he was coming on to me. 而且我想他對我有意思。
I think he might've thought I was gay! 我在想他可能以為我是GAY

ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? 啊（L0L）（汗），然後哩？
Why should I care? 你幹嘛跟我講這個？
I don't care. 我幹嘛在意，不關我的事。
What did you have for lunch today? 你,,,中午吃什麼？

NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get 喔，你別對這件事情這麼敏感～
All defensive about it, Rod... ROD...

ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive! 我敏感！？
What do I care about some gay guy you met, 我才不管你有沒有碰到什麼GAY不GAY的
okay? OK？
I'm trying to read. 我在看書。

NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. 我沒有其他意思啦！ROD。
I just think it's something
we should be able to talk about. 我只是我覺得我們之間有些事應該聊聊。


ROD
I don't want to talk about it, 我不想聊耶～
Nicky! This conversation is over!!! NICKY，談話到此為止！

NICKY
Yeah, but... 是啦，可是...

ROD
OVER!!! 到此為止！！

NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know — 好吧，OK，但是你要知道~
IF YOU WERE GAY （唱）如果你是GAY
THAT'D BE OKAY. 其實很OK
I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY, 我是說，ㄟ,
I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY. 我還是喜歡你啊
BECAUSE YOU SEE, 因為你知道
IF IT WERE ME, 如果那是我
I WOULD FEEL FREE 我會覺得FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY 如果跟別人說我是GAY~
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.) （但我不是GAY）

ROD
Nicky, please! NICKY，拜託！
I am trying to read.... 我在看書！！！！
What?! 什麼？

NICKY
IF YOU WERE QUEER 如果你是酷兒

ROD
Ah, Nicky! ㄟ NICKY！

NICKY
I'D STILL BE HERE, 我還是在HERE

ROD
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book. NICKY，我在讀這本書...

NICKY
YEAR AFTER YEAR 一年又一年的

ROD
Nicky! NICKY！

NICKY
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR 因為你是我的親愛的
TO ME,

ROD
Argh! （炸）啊~~~

NICKY
AND I KNOW THAT YOU 而且我懂YOU

ROD
What? 啥？

NICKY
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO, 你會接受我,TOO

ROD
I would? 我會？

NICKY
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY, 如果我今天告訴你
"HEY! GUESS WHAT, ㄟ，你知道嗎？我是GAY耶！
I'M GAY!" （但我不是GAY）
(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)
I'M HAPPY 我好HAPPY~
JUST BEING WITH YOU. 只要跟你在一起~

ROD
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey... （唸書上的字）

NICKY
SO WHAT SHOULD IT 所以你在床上做的事情是跟誰做
MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED 跟我沒關係
WITH GUYS?

ROD
Nicky, that's GROSS! NICKY，這很噁~

NICKY
No it's not! 不！不會！
IF YOU WERE GAY （靠北的轉拍）如果你是GAY，
I'D SHOUT HOORAY! 我會說'好耶~'

ROD
I am not listening! 我不聽我不聽！

NICKY
AND HERE I'D STAY, 我會呆在這，

ROD
La la la la la! 拉拉拉拉拉拉~

NICKY
BUT I WOULDN'T GET 但我不會GET IN YOUR WAY(好難翻韻腳)
IN YOUR WAY.

ROD
Aaaah! （女聲）啊~~~~

NICKY
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME 你可以信得過我
TO ALWAYS BE 天天陪在你身邊
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY, 告訴你IT'S ok
TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY, 你出生就是這樣哩
YOU WERE JUST BORN 就像他們說的
THAT WAY, 這是DNA
AND, AS THEY SAY, 你是GAY
IT'S IN YOUR DNA,
YOU'RE GAY!

ROD
BUT I'M NOT GAY! 但我不是GAY！

NICKY
If you were gay. 如果你是GAY

ROD
Argh! 阿~~~~ （奔逃）





網路上還有其他版本，但我個人喜歡這個澳洲版的，連操偶的NICKY第二操偶師都很有表情，然後這個ROD特別C，特別好笑。相信所有假直男，想像一下自己的直男朋友，一定心有戚戚焉。


以後還請繼續多多支持假直男部落格！！
（趕快按訂閱）